I hated my daughter’s name

For a while after she was born, I hated the name that we gave to our baby girl.

When you’re pregnant you spend hours looking at baby names with your partner, trying to pick the perfect one for your unborn child. My husband and I were no different; hours were spent searching the internet looking for inspiration. So, it pains me to say that for a period of time, I couldn’t stand my daughter’s name, despite the fact that I was the one who had chosen it. Hearing her name made me flinch; I felt like I wanted to change it to something else…

The reason goes back, like so many things, to when she fell critically ill at two weeks old, which resulted in her needing open surgery.

The first two weeks of her life, I’d gaze at her through blurry sleep-deprived eyes and just think she was the most perfect thing ever and that she had a lovely name that suited her. It just seemed like it was the right name for her and suited her very well. The reception of her name from other people was generally good too, everyone told us what a nice and unusual name Autumn was.

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The problem started when we were in the local hospital with her. “Hello! So, this is Autumn we have here?” doctors and nurses would say as they entered the room, before giving us more messages of doom or uncertainty. Of course, the worse our situation got with her, the more her name had negative connotations for me.

It got to the point where I’d almost physically wince when anyone said her name. Doctors particularly, but even relatives saying her name made me almost wince.

Once Autumn’s operation was done and we were back home, I was having huge issues with anxiety and I still had issues with her name too. Every time I heard her name, it just reminded me of the huge nightmare we’d been through. I remember when I was with the specialist mental health doctor and his assistant asked what she was called. “Autumn”, I barely managed to say, whilst hyperventilating. “Oh! That’s a lovely name!” she replied. “Yeah…” I trailed off, unconvincingly.

Fortunately, once the medication started kicking in, I began to feel better fairly quickly. It took me a little while, but I really do like her name again now. When people tell me they like her name, I say “Thank you”, pleased that they think it was a good choice. I loved it when I thought of it when I was pregnant and Dave really liked it too. It was the top of our list for if we had a girl and when I had to stay overnight in hospital at the end of August because the doctors thought I was going to go into labour imminently, one of my biggest concerns was that she couldn’t be called Autumn if she was born in August! It really is a lovely name and it suits her so well.

I feel almost embarrassed that for a while I hated her name, but I suppose it’s just another side-effect of the terrible way in which I dealt with the traumatic events that were happening around me.

I’m just so so pleased that my little Autumn is okay now. I love my beautiful little baby girl and once again, I love her beautiful name.

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Mummy Times Two

58 thoughts on “I hated my daughter’s name

  1. This is such a lovely post and just shows how anxiety can mess with your mind. I was in an abusive relationship years back and because of the connotations of his use of MY name still make me feel a bit funny when other people call me my own name!! (thankfully most people shorten it!) Autumn is a beautiful name #PostsFromTheHeart

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  2. I think I’ve had moments when I’ve not liked the names of my children, but when you associate them with a traumatic event then it can cause problems. It sounds like you are happy now though which is lovely because it is a lovely name.
    #postsfromtheheart

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  3. This is so open and honest, you went through so much and anxiety can be the absolute devil and making every situation 100 more unvearable! Anxiety made me not even be able to stand the sight of my baby at one point which kills me to think about. Well done for getting through it all and I’m so happy your little girl is better now – and Autumn really is a beautiful name. 😊 #Postsfromtheheart

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  4. It is a beautiful name, but I’m not surprised you felt that way having been through all of that! Stress and anxiety can do funny things to people, don’t beat yourself up. You love the name again now, and that’s all that matters xxx #postsfromtheheart

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  5. So sorry you had to experience that. Your daughter is beautiful and her name is also beautiful. The Devil also effects how we think and tries, like in your case, to ruin such a beautiful part of your life. Thank goodness we have a gracious and loving God that not only healed your daughter , but you as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hated my daughters name too bc of anxiety! Because she was poorly in my womb and then her dad chose it and we were no longer together and he was seeing other girls and texting them whilst I was in labour giving them updates etc and it made me sick. I didn’t like it originally when pregnant anyway bc it wasn’t a name I’d ever pick but we had no other ideas 😅It got made worse when I found out his ex was named Willow so it made me feel like he’d named her after his ex but I love it now!! It just shows how bizarre anxiety can be sometimes!

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  7. Autumn is a lovely name. I can see why you didn’t like it though, it was probably the fact that something horrible was happening. It is hard to want to associate that to something that was supposed to be happy. I’m glad the medication worked. I hope you can start putting it all behind you with time x
    #DreamTeam

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  8. Ah, it is such a gorgeous name, but it totally makes sense why you disliked it for a while, it must have been a terrible time for you 😦 I’m glad you are both doing better and you have fallen in love with her name again #bestandworst

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  9. how anxiety can change everything;( But luckily now it’s everything OK and you love her name:) it’s really pretty one
    #PostsFromTheHeart.

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  10. Anxiety is awful, it makes you think about things in a completely different way. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better and that you can enjoy your daughters name again. I think Autumn is a lovely name and so unique. #brilliantblogpost

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  11. Oh my heart went out to you with this – my eldest daughter was very poorly as a baby and had a major operation when she was 3 months old. Even though it was 6 years ago, I still start panicking if I happen to catch a smell of the cleaning products that were used on the hospital wards.

    I’m glad that you’ve been able to come to terms with it a bit now and can enjoy your daughter’s name (which is beautiful, by the way). #brillblogposts

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  12. I found this difficult to read because I could empathise so much. This really highlights how any trauma Early in can have a huge emotional impact on a mother. I think it’s great that you’ve been able to share this. #coolmumclub

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  13. I’m sorry you felt that way, anxiety is awful, I suffered with it during and after my pregnancies. Autumn was on our list for our youngest had he been a girl and yet with a niece called Summer we feared we would be asked when Winter was on her way!! #Brillantblogposts

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  14. Aw this sounds like it was the anxiety talking and you went through such a stressful time. I’m glad you feel better and love her name. It is so pretty and original. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have twins. I chose one of their names and my husband the other. At first I didn’t like the name he’d chosen, but I soon got used to it and it really suits her now! Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

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  16. Autumn is a beautiful name and it really does suit her, don’t feel embarrassed you hated it for a while, it wasn’t her name that was the issue, but the trauma you went through together. I am so glad that everything has worked out well for you, she really is a super beautiful little girl #ThatFridayLinky x

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  17. Really interesting read. Isn’t it strange how we can react to different things in different ways. We went through a similar experience when our boy was little, not the name thing but an awful experience. I’m really happy that you’ve come through the other side and all is well again 🙂

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  18. Aww Laura, I’ve been reading your posts about Autumn’s rocky start (and cried a few times) I have suffered with trauma related anxiety and it really makes your brain work in some strange ways. I’m so happy to read that you’ve found Peace with Autumn’s beautiful name once again. #Blogstravaganza

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  19. I can’t imagine going through something like that. Thinking about it gives me a weird tight feeling in my chest. I’m glad that your little girl is ok now. And she does have a beautiful name. Maybe one day the sound of that name will remind you of the fighting spirit that your daughter has. #coolmumclub

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  20. This is a very similar story to me . We choose Charley-Rose for our daughter and ended up in hospital with a very poorly baby when she was 3 weeks old and everythine someone said her name or said ‘oh i was expecting a boy ‘ i wanted to vomit. She is now a happy , healthy 18 mth old but i too could bare her name for a long time #Postsfromtheheart

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  21. I didn’t spend much time on my boys names. I heard the names pre baby days and liked them. So kept them locked up in my head for when needed i guess. I think Autumn is a beautiful name for a little girl.

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  22. What a brave and honest post. I can’t imagine how difficult things must have been for you, it’s not surprising you made that sort of connection with your daughter’s name. I’m so glad things are better now, it really is a beautiful name! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza, hope to see you again next week xx

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I too felt that way about my baby, for a much different reason. However, 7 months later I am coming around, I do still feel the need to justify it when I am telling people though! #Blogstravaganza

    Liked by 1 person

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